Don’t even think about uttering…

THE “C” WORD.

Although several years ago for us, I am reminded that it is that time of year for many. Time when thoughts give voice to the dubious “C” word. A word that manages to escape from many a mouth… emphatic, unpleasant, tactless… over and over again. And friends I can’t caution you enough. WATCH OUT.

Each time I put forth the “C” word in the direction of my first born daughter I was met head-on with disgust and outrage. And indignation. (Her reactions are indelibly engraved upon my soul). Apparently it’s one of those words that elicit howls of protest, outbursts of rage and many, MANY conniption fits. But what’s a mother to do?? I had to at least mention it.

My daughter was heading to “C”ollege.

Looking back, I fondly recall when I was accused of conspiring to provoke supplementary stress. Ahhh… the memories…

… college counseling meetings, reading and rereading all essential materials and navigating sites like Naviance and College Board. There were timetables, deadlines and the standout essay to brood over. AND an earful about parental boundaries in order to allow our college bound children ownership over the process.

It was more like denial and avoidance in our case.

Again and again we were encouraged to “stay out of it”  by both counselors and children. I tried. I calmly danced around the subject by sending “gentle reminder” emails intending to jumpstart a discussion of that word … and to avoid confrontations. I even gave the British “university” and “uni”  a whirl – to no avail.

In addition to the standard application process, our circumstance of daughter #1 needing to prepare for auditions (with each school having a twist on what was required) was ca-razy. Along with organizing audition dates there were travel arrangements and accommodations to be made. Our parental involvement was both an inevitability and an obstacle. Crazy made CRAZIER. Fun times! Just ask my daughter.

When she eventually wrapped up that essays-songs-monologues-auditions portion of the insanity and final decisions had been made, it was my turn. I mean, there was my bucket list of memories we were to make before she headed off for all that higher learning. And I happen to think it was entirely warranted.

Long bike rides – stopping for a lovely picnic, strolling arm-in-arm through flea markets, eager shopping for college…

… however, It appeared her bucket list was quite different, and I was kidding myself if I believed my name even made the list. With a boyfriend and close group of friends, room to squeeze in time with mom and dad was minimal at best. On one level of course I got it, but it didn’t really help the expanding hole in the pit of my stomach.

Don’t we all have grandiose ideas of how time spent with our children is going to play out? Of course there are those “Kodak” moments, significant conversations and laughter… along with the “I want to be with my friends”, sibling discord and the recognition that we are quite often just an annoyance. An annoyance.

And as I hark back to the days before daughter #1 was about to leave for college – I flash back to zero piles of clothes ready to pack, nada books ordered, diddly-squat necessities purchased… groundwork negligible. And she was not talking to me. 

Could it have been my sunny personality?

Needless to say, I was soooo ready for school to begin – to toss some essentials in a garbage bag and get going. Let’s move this along. But when it came time for goodbye we cried (a lot) and I sobbed on the way home. 

In comparison, with daughter #2, I was more knowledgeable (perhaps shrewder) and since auditions were not happening ‘staying out of it’ was more unchallenging (thank God). And while facing me all teary-eyed to say her college goodbye this was the following pronouncement, “I don’t know how long I can stay here”. I wanted to both hold on tighter than ever but also reply, “I was hoping for 4 years”. 

Then came the tears. Mine.

We all want our children to end up where they are happy socially, challenged academically and inspired to embrace their independence, individuality and humanity. We wish for them every opportunity to succeed, to learn from disappointment, to grow and thrive.

There are so many layers to this process and it’s all wrought with insecurities, judgments, and well-meaning support. Somehow the ‘crazy’ works itself out and we are left to marvel at our college bound young adult as they take the helm.

And if college isn’t a fit for them and they take another path – it’s all good. Really.

If you’ve got a child heading off to _ollege this summer/fall… congratulations you did it they did it! Or perhaps you are just heading into the pandemonium of SAT-ACT-essays-etc.… I am so sorry you’ll get through it.

It’s just that “C” word that gets us in trouble.

Can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Photo by Bob Smith from FreeImages