THE VERDICT IS IN…MY BODY IS AGING AND I AM THE KEY WITNESS

The inevitable is happening and it appears to be an open and shut case.  But don’t call me an old broad…at least not yet. Furthermore, I believe there was improperly admitted evidence…so I am filing an appeal!

ORDER IN THE COURT!!

Your Honor, I have been implicated in and charges have been filed against me for getting old. By ME. And with zero intention of insulting the dignity of the court, I request that the following be heard on my behalf…along with my stated desire to eventually morph into a mashup of Diane Keaton and Helen Mirren, with a generous sprinkling of that quintessential, smart-mouthed, FABULOUS old broad Elaine Stritch.

However, Ms. Stritch ultimately frames growing older as, “there is not a goddamn thing we can do about it”.  And to that I say, “OH POOP”.

Being a self-proclaimed reluctant ager, I am really attempting to give this age thing a more favorable reception as I am officially heading toward 816 months of age. That is 68 in adult years. However, expressing it in months just sounded waaaaay more impressive…and I am leaning into impressive. See I’m trying.

When making an all out effort to pinpoint a word or the name of a person or the title of a book or a movie from my merry-go-round of a brain…I charades-my-way through an improvised style of getting to the point. And then I worry. Is my loss for words normal? Am I losing it? Do I need to up my mental gymnastics? Some article mentioned doing math. If it’s that ‘new’ math I am in serious trouble. Sidebar: I mean… if it please the court… have you seen the new math way to do multiplication? It’s essentially an ENTIRE blueprint of charts and graphs JUST TO FIGURE OUT THAT 2X2 STILL EQUALS 4!  And with that I claim – CONTEMPT OF COURT. 

Now where was I???

Building my case, through discovery, has been quite simple. The evidence is everywhere! We are inundated with ever-present enhanced and filtered images hurled at us all the time – with those oldsters looking ‘younger than springtime’. And this is not hearsay… THOSE FAKERS!! But there I go pulling at my face and tugging at my neck. After all, like Michelle Obama said, ‘when things go low we wanna hoist them high‘. I know it’s not exactly what she said, but close enough you quote sticklers.

Time is moving waaaay too quickly, for my taste, and I am digging in my heels with every ounce of diminished strength my core will allow…yet I do know it’s a-happening. BUT YOUR HONOR! I OBJECT! And I submit this to my dearest beloved time – can you slow down just a teensy bit…for meee?

Although staunchly maintaining that denial is highly underrated… some things just cannot be denied. (Let’s be clear, I am aware that we have no choice in this matter – if we’re lucky! ) So, fingers crossed, I’ll be that I’ll say what I want, whenever I want kinda gal. I intend to flirt with gorgeous (preferably gay) men who appreciate a spirited wiser dame. Maybe I’ll have a thing about hats or a collection of eccentric something or others. And I will refuse to be invisible…. except when I choose to employ that magic power. I’ll dance down the aisle at the grocery store and act a fool with my diehard buddies as we turn heads while flaunting our fab selves. And I’ll laugh till I pee and I’ll swear with the best of them. Take that members of the jury!!!

But, I concede, plead guilty, throw myself on the mercy of the court… and if truth be told… I am still stuck on – AGING KINDA STINKS. So I am hoping we can, at the very least, agree on the following: that I am a work-in-progress of acceptance and that those sucky labels traditionally assigned to those of us of ‘a certain age’ are UNACCEPTABLE. Your Honor, they do not reflect how a good number of us actually feel (on most days anyway). Our generation is redefining the age categories…so when a newspaper article refers to a woman of 60 as “an elderly woman of 60” I am dumbstruck and peeved. I ask the court, HOW IS THAT ELDERLY?

ALSO…I will candidly confess that there is a teensy tiny chance that,

HOWEVER,…

ancient?

ag-ed?

no spring chicken?

elderly?

codger?

old-timer?

OLD GEEZER?!!?

that’s not ME!

So, I am respectfully 
submitting my mandate
to be referred to 
by words such as…

accomplished!

perceptive!

curious!

vibrant!

resilient!

thriving!

gleeful!!

And only when I have achieved the status of ‘ADVANCED’ vibrancy and glee, then and ONLY then, can someone affectionately refer to me as that old broad, or rather, that FABULOUS old broad.  But sit tight…the jury is still out. And with the kindness of this court they won’t be back for a looooooooooooong time.