ONE SERUM AWAY FROM A GOOD MOOD

Lipid defense oil glides over the length and breadth of my face as I cling to hope that all contaminants and impurities will be swept away. Next comes the mineral essence gently pressed onto my skin – it professes to provide essential hydration – followed by upward swoops of copious amounts of radiance serum and antioxidant soft cream. On top of that goes a SUPREME lotion. For good measure, some renewal eye balm. And as a bonus… my soothing face mask and overnight resurfacing peel. My anti-aging, age-defying, immortal “beauty” routine.

Hours later I look 20 years younger with skin like a baby’s tush.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA…

Back in 1968 – give or take – my routine was about the unwarranted appearance of pimples. Without the coercion sweet-talking benefits of an Instagram “Influencer” or a quick Google search offering this, that and the other thing…  my weapons of choice were Clearasil and Stridex pads. Stripping essential oils from my skin was none of my concern – I wanted that oily stuff gone, gone, GONE.

“all that dabbing and swiping approach was entirely focused on zits”

There was no ‘maintenance of’ or ‘protective measures’ to slow down the effects of what was to come. No taking into consideration what aging lay ahead. All my dabbing and swiping was entirely focused on zits.

I doubt applying moisturizer was even in my arsenal and I know broad-band SPF never landed on my skin. I was more concerned about cover-ups on my sprouting spots and making sure my painted-on Twiggy lashes were evenly spaced.

I read somewhere that one should begin using anti-products as early as your 20’s. YOUR 20’s?? Man, I am VERY late to that party.

“insider tips from my dressing room “Influencers”

When my face entered its twenties I did begin a more serious assessment of my skin. It still had nothing to do with any undoing or reversing… I just wanted flawless skin. Was that too much to ask? And that’s when I started to get all kinds of insider tips from my dressing room “Influencers”.

Seated side-by-side we divulged details of our latest smears, rubs and slathers. And just like that – Noxzema was but a distant memory.

I also whipped up some homemade concoctions with fixings like avocado, yogurt and honey to smoosh on my skin. And even spent some big bucks for a professional to do her thing. The pro versions were so relaxing and I did feel all clean and glowy… but that was a whole lotta moolah! The offerings have gotten even pricier and fancier with exotic ingredients like caviar and diamonds. GO F*&K FUND ME!?

Prior to the last two years, with the exception of a few Zooms, I rarely (if ever) left the house without something on my face besides my two eyes, nose, mouth, cheeks and forehead. I HAVE BEEN MAKE-UP FREEEEE. My usual addiction to lipstick was a pointless situation due to all the residing inside or masking up. As a result, I splurged on a brand new skin care regimen. I mean what else was I spending money on?

“new age of aging well”

While doing a bit of homework on science-backed topicals, creams and oils… the so-called miracle workers …I found a brand that welcomed me to the “new age of aging well.” WHY THANK YOU. And the many-steps regimen was just what the science ordered.

• Rejuvenate my skins firmness and elasticity!
• Save me from environmental stressors!
• Minimize my fine lines and wrinkles!
• Get rid of my impurities!
• Deliver nutrients and boost my radiance!

Lay it ALL on me!

So now my nightly routine involves all kinds of smearing, anointing and massaging. Furrowed brows be damned.

Let me repeat: “Hours later I look 20 years younger with skin like a baby’s tush.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA…”

Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying the daily ritual and my skin seems to agree. But all that anti-stuff and reversing signs of aging rhetoric? I CALL BULLSHIT. Who are these people kidding?

When one’s complexion goes all rough, dry and lined it sure seems sudden; tantamount to some devious sneaking up on. And the term “pro-aging”? I assume that’s to get us all positive and eager to receive it with open arms. Give me a break.

When it comes to “products” –  quit professing the turning back of time and an about-face. CUT THAT CRAP.

Let’s be honest… YOU CAN’T GO BACKWARDS.

Here are some genius taglines I discovered on the world wide web:

Don’t be afraid of your age

Stay young forever

Anti-aging cream is the ultimate solution for all your problems

And my favorite: Anti-aging cream makes your face adorable

If I were to create a line of skincare products, I’d cut that crap. No promises. No guarantees. No swearing under oath. Just some soothing, tingling potions to massage into your over-the-hill, long-lived, not as young as you used to be, beautiful (and yes, adorable) face.

And I would call it: ALREADY OLD. My tagline… ain’t it the truth. 😳

~Twiggy image credit