YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR HAT ON

Those of us having accumulated some advanced mileage are often asked, “what advice would you give your younger self?”

The following words of wisdom, when mulling over the past, are what one would expect:

All of value, ALL helpful, ALL emboldening. However, ALL things considered, I am ready to share my WORDLY WORDS OF WISDOM… my fervent advice.

Take it off. Take it ALL off. Peel it off. Shed those clothes. Fling that robe aside. Right now. This second. Now… take a pic of yourself wearing only a smile. Or don’t smile – nobody should be telling you ‘you have to smile’ – that’s your choice.

I wish I had a naked picture of myself. Not a recent one, oh god no, but one taken

many,

many,

many moons ago when my elasticity and youthful glow were still intact.

Or even one of me in a bikini. Not in a tankini, not in a two-piece and not in one of those miracle tummy controlling one-piece bathing costumes … but rather in a scantily positioned triangular itsy bitsy polka dotted number. I wore them, I know I did. But where are the snapshots of me bikini-clad?

Perhaps at the time, and after careful examination, I discarded the evidence. I don’t recall. But I am sure my present-day eyeballs would be much more complimentary.  

I don’t know about you, but even when I was younger I managed to find physical faults. And the undeniable (to me) photos just seemed to back me up.

These days, I gaze at those old pics and wonder what I was thinking??! Why and how did I not fully love and appreciate every bit of my strong and fine physicality.

The whole lot of me.

Bearing that in mind, I implore those of you, particularly if on the younger spectrum of the age train, to go and get naked.

But if you are hitting your stride at whatever age – do it. Don’t delay. And make it snappy … time is a-wasting … you’ll you’ve never looked better!

I know, I know, you look in the mirror and are somehow able to find all kinds of flaws. WHERE I SAY?? You are glorious in all your naked radiance.

Before you get arrested and drag ME into your funny business I wish to offer the following advisable particulars. NOW, THIS IS HOW IT’S GONNA GO …

… don’t post it, don’t sext it, don’t add it to your dating app … JUST place it in an envelope, seal it real good, date it, mark it: ‘TO BE OPENED IN 30, 40 OR 50 YEARS’ (the years part is up to you) – and then fuhgeddaboudit.

One day in the waaaaay distant future you will be cleaning out your sock drawer, or your underwear drawer (it’ll be time), or the box crammed with all kinds of why did I ever keep this crap and there will lay that envelope marked ‘TO BE OPENED…’

And you’ll say to yourself, “self, what in the world is this envelope doing in my sock drawer or underwear drawer or the box crammed with all kinds of why did I ever keep this crap?”

Then you’ll say, “who is responsible for placing this in my sock drawer or underwear drawer or the box crammed with all kinds of why did I ever keep this crap?”.

And lastly you will probably say something like, “hmmm, something about this does seem familiar, I think I shall open it!”

You will slide a letter opener beneath the sealed flap, fish out the goods and your eyes will behold a lovely, unadorned specimen of womanly magnificence.

You won’t flinch, you won’t be appalled – you will marvel at her form, applaud her strength, be captivated by her allure and finally respond with great delight and flush with swagger as you recognize, oh wow, that’s YOU and DAMN, YOU LOOK GOOOOOOOD.

Okay ladies, and you fellas out there too, let’s get this show on the road – da da daaaa, da-da-da-daaaa, da da daaaa, da-da, da da da-

DA!

DA!

DA!

DA!

Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da da-daaaaa…