I have a backlog of random content that freely wanders into my head. And since I have taken measures to share all kinds of particulars about my life … perhaps over-sharing … why stop now? What else do I have to do? So, no time for an about-face – I am here to continue spilling the beans.

stop, drop and roll

If truth be told, I was a bit of a pyromaniac. I assure you the operative word is was. You know that smell emanating from a match having been blown out? I liked that. Um…did you ever light your bathroom sink on fire? Not even once? Well, I went from humble match striking to producing mini explosions in perfume bottles.

Then I ignited my sink. Twice.

when your cup is only half full

As a pre-teen, my chest area, lacking in mountainous terrain, called for some deceptive action. It was summertime and pretending to be outraged when a boy picked you up and tossed you into the water was vital to evaluating ones’ allure.

My screams, tinged with laughter, guaranteed I could get properly noticed. And as I happily soared to the surface … all bikini-clad, ‘Summer Blond’ high-lit and beaming with joy… all eyes were on ME! UNTIL I realized all eyes were focused on my inverted, concave, padded bikini bra top.

do you have prince albert in a can?

My enjoyment from making phony phone calls was just about pathological. No arm twisting needed. What began in my youth with the typical, “is your refrigerator running?”, progressed to dialing up boys and then, while attending college, fully escalated into a scenario involving fellow students and a campus radio station.

I was quite the instigator of mischief – or, as I like to say, orchestrator of fun! 

As the ringleader of this enactment I needed an accomplice … so naturally I turned to my roomie. And by twisting her arm winning her over, she agreed to take part in the sham! Scrolling and dialing through our student directory, we pitched our scripted bogus contest to determine ‘who was the most patriotic scholar on campus’ by inviting them to correctly sing the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner.

We let them know the winner and prize would be announced live at midnight on our campus radio station, WPGU – along with their recorded rendition of our national anthem. So those people sang with gusto!

Correspondently, we invited the station to partner with us on this charade. At midnight the DJ announced, “and to those getting high on their patriotic singsong… what a bunch of suckers!” EPIC…

when you make unexpected new friends

I shower with Barack Obama.

I discovered the former President of the United States while contemplating the swirly, curvy, twisty, zigzaggery tile of my shower walls. He greets me each day as I enter the stall. When I first discovered Barack (showering together has allowed me first name basis) I thought it was a moments’ hallucination. But, day after day, there he is keeping me company as the water streams and the soap suds do their thing. And it’s quite nice (Michelle would agree). But you must know, he is as dignified and upstanding as you might imagine … nothing improper, ungentlemanly, unseemly going on here. So yes indeedy, I shower with Barack Obama.

Eventually, in the event that there were “others”, I took to scouring those swirly, curvy, twisty, zigzaggery walls- curious. And that’s when Groucho/Sad Santa revealed himself. He is a bit of a trickster; able to yo-yo between personas with a shift of my eyeballs. I don’t believe I am dealing with a personality disorder – the optical illusion is all my doing. 

So when Groucho just seems like an annoyance I can easily switch to commiserating with Sad Santa.

When my 1940’s gumshoe made himself visible I quickly recognized that he was a tough guy. Never looking me in the eye, he seems clever and quite secretive. His strong profile makes me think he is always listening and searching for clues. And there are more… the Grecian sculpture, the crescent moon and Marie Antoinette.

My audience is growing people!

i call it multi-tasking

Speaking of the shower, it must be said that, “I have peed in the shower”. Now must is a strong word, as I am not actually obligated to tell … it’s really just a function of me putting it out there in hopes that someone (anyone?) would back me up. But obviously not while I am actually in the shower.

to be completely honest

I look at strangers and am preoccupied by the thought that these people probably have sex. It is the first thing that comes to mind when I give ‘em the once over. It’s not that I think about them having sex with me … it’s just the idea that they do IT.  

And I misspoke, twisted the truth, totally lied in my diary, which you can read about here.

In conclusion – for now. Some people have a reading nook; perhaps a lovely alcove, softly cushioned with pillows plumped, where one can laze about reading and daydreaming, or even meditating. I might have a toilet that masquerades as one. 😉

~image via imgflip